Q. Why are you doing this?
A. Because it's apparently what people in relationships do.
Q. No they don't. Nobody you know does these things. Why are you pretending?
A. Because my friends are all misanthropic asocial dicks.
Q. I see. And the golden light of Earth's yellow sun, does it give you superpowers?
Q. What does it do to you?
A. It burns us, Preciousssssssssssssssssssss.