Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A few questions about my mysterious disappearance

Q. Where did you go?

A. I was drawing a webcomic.

Q. Where is it?


Q. Is it going to insta-burnout like this shit did?

A. No. I've got two months saved up.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Two Questions regarding Gay Bathhouses

Q. What's this all about?

A. I'm not entirely sure of the specifics or the protocol, as I've only ever seen one and heard about what happens inside second hand, but apparently you pay a fee to rent a towel (ew) and then you're free to wander around naked at your leisure and stare at other naked gay men at their leisure.

Q. This sounds like a recipe for AIDS. Is it?

A. Again, I'm only speaking out of conjecture, but it's as reliable a recipe for AIDS as Hamburger Helper is for sodium-filled starch.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Questions regarding The Wandering Jew

Q. Who is the Wandering Jew?

A. A guy who refused to believe Jesus was actually God, and therefore was cursed in a rather pointless bit of sauce from the Messiah.

Q. Is this in the Bible?

A. Despite the many instances of silliness in the Bible, no. I suspect it's because to set up the idea of an immortal zombie man who could probably answer questions about things (assuming you don't mind speaking in Aramaic) would really stretch that "faith" thing a little thin.

Q. So where does this come from?

A. The same place the Pied Piper of Hamlin, Elizabeth Bathory and The Golem come from: The Middle Ages.

Q. How?

A. In the Middle Ages, people apparently believed anything, and there was a time before such things as "fact checks" and "cross-referencing", so somebody came up with the bullshit theory, and everybody took it and ran.

Q. Is it anything like The Eternal Jew?

A. No, that was invented by Hitler.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Questions regarding Leisurely Walks In The Sun

Q. Why are you doing this?

A. Because it's apparently what people in relationships do.

Q. No they don't. Nobody you know does these things. Why are you pretending?

A. Because my friends are all misanthropic asocial dicks.

Q. I see. And the golden light of Earth's yellow sun, does it give you superpowers?

A. No.

Q. What does it do to you?

A. It burns us, Preciousssssssssssssssssssss.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Questions regarding The Hollow Earth

Q. Is the Earth hollow?

A. According to science, no. According to pseudo-science, maybe. According to religion, you bet.

Q. What does science say?

A. The Earth is a spheroid of molten lava. The oceans and the continents float on top like Magic Shell.

Q. What is Magic Shell?

A. A kind of chocolate that is designed to automatically freeze when it hits ice cream.

Q. So the Earth is made of ice cream?

A. No. That was a simile.

Q. What's a simile?

A. Like a metaphor, only with the word "like" in there.

Q. Was that a simile?

A. Yes.

Q. What does pseudo-science say about the Hollow Earth?

A. Depends on the flavor of pseudo-science. Blavatsky-style spiritism held that the center of the Earth was a series of tunnels and tubes, connecting the Secret Ascended Masters to the world above. According to Victorian era lunatic scientists, the poles are hollow and it is possible to sail to the inside of the Earth, where a teeny weeny little sun warms the eerie beings who live there.

Q. What about the Nazis? I'm sure they had a theory.

A. We are not allowed to discuss the Antarctic Inner-Earth Nazis, lest the Moon Nazis find out about it and kidnap us to their concentration camp in the Sea of Tranquility.

Q. What does religion say about the Hollow Earth?

A. Underneath our tender, flaky crust, Hell exists, as well as Purgatory (if you're Catholic) and a now empty Abram's Bosom (if you're not). Catholic Limbo is also there, but Catholic Limbo is also synonymous with Abram's Bosom under very specific circumstances, too complicated and ridiculous to cover here.

Q. What is Abram's Bosom?

A. Abram's Bosom is a temporary holding space for the pre-Christian virtuous. Jesus went and cleared it out in the three days he was dead. It now lies completely empty, but within sight of people in Hell, just to really rub it in.

Q. That's killer but also very silly. Who was there?

A. All the awesome dudes. Abraham, David, Solomon, Aristotle, Buddha and anybody that could open the Ark of the Covenant without the Wrath of God hitting them. This is very ironic because neither Buddha and Aristotle believed in literal afterlives. To be fair, this list is far from complete and was compiled in the Middle Ages by apologists, so take it, as well as everything else involved in this subject, as bullshit.

Q. What is Limbo?

A. Limbo is a place for virtuous pre-Christians, unbaptized infants and dudes who have cleared out their time in Purgatory but still aren't allowed into Heaven due to some minor quibbling point of dogma, like the Antipopes or people who died having met Christ before Christ was crucified. It is also where ghosts come from, apparently.

Q. What is The Limbo?

A. An engaging Latin dance phenomenon.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Questions regarding Hans Christian Anderson

Q. Hans Christian Anderson. Muslim?

A. No. It's not just a clever name.

Q. Any relation to Hans Gruber?

A. None that historians have proven, but we haven't given up yet.

Q. Gay?

A. Most likely.

Q. Pedo?

A. Again, most likely.

Q. Boys or girls?

A. He probably shared a "thing" with Lewis Carroll.

Q. Any other dirt?

A. Shoes. The man was really, really, really into shoes.

Q. Why?

A. His father was a cobbler.

Q. Did he sing and dance like Danny Kaye?

A. No, because he had a peg leg carved out of solid gold.

Q. Who gave it to him?

A. A blue-haired fairy from Lapland.

Q. Now you're just making things up, right?

A. I wouldn't dare blaspheme the Fair Folk.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Questions regarding Gloria the Animal Crossing Duck

Q. Who is Gloria the Animal Crossing Duck?

A. A white duck with purple feathers and large eyelashes. She qualifies under the "Snooty" character type.

Q. What does that mean?

A. "Snooty" animals exist to be assholes. Gloria appears to be the worst of the bunch.

Q. Why is she called "Gloria"?


Q. You're an adult. Why are you playing this children's game?

A. Because my psychiatrist prescribed it. I wish I was joking about that.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Question about Mentos

Q. Are they the Freshmaker?

A. Fresh is not made. Fresh has existed since before the sun illuminated the heavens and Fresh shall exist until the last star has fallen from the sky. Fresh is all things as Fresh is nothing, and therefore, Fresh is a god.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Questions regarding Agony and Despair

Q. What is agony?

A. A sensation.

Q. What is despair?

A. An emotion.

Q. Are they the same thing?

A. No.

Q. Which is worse?

A. Both are equally miserable.

Q. If I'm in agony, and I don't feel despair, should I worry?

A. Usually no. Not having both sensations at once is generally considered good. Well, as good as it can get while experiencing either agony or despair.

Q. What about failure, is failure like agony and despair?

A. Yes, but worse.

Q. Are you an agonized, despairing failure?

A. You bet.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Questions regarding Lu brand Le Petit Ecolier Biscuits

Q. What are Lu brand Le Petit Ecolier Biscuits?

A. "Butter biscuits topped with pure milk chocolate". And stamped with an effeminate French schoolboy onthem.

Q. Are they edible?


Q. Are they cookie or candy?

A. The scientific proven Missing Link betwixt BOTH.

Q. What do they want?

A. Revenge.

Q. Can they be stopped?

A. No.

Questions regarding Answers

Q. Do all questions have answers?

A. No. Some questions have long drawn out sighs of exasperation.

Q. Like this one?

A. *sigh* uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

Q. Which is more important, the question, or the answer?

A. A great deal of people might say that the question is just as important as the answer. They are wrong. Usually, they are white people who own New Age tzotchke stores and talk about their "Native American ancestry" like they're talking about D&D characters, and are usually wearing airbrushed wolf t-shirts. The answer is the key part of the interaction, otherwise you're just talking with a slight upward lilt and that is annoying (plz see yesterday's post).

Q. Do you not like New Agers?

A. I have no real opinion on New Agers, I'm just against airbrushed wolf t-shirts.

Questions regarding Questions

Q. What is a question?

A. A "question" may be either a linguistic expression used to make a request for information, or else the request itself made by such an expression. This information is provided with an retort called "an answer".

Q. What is The Question?

A. An author-proxy of Steve Ditko during the height of his Objectivist phase.

Q. Is The Question cool?

A. Not really. It was made cool by Alan Moore, who turned it into Rorshach for Watchmen.

Q. Who is The Question?

A. Currently Renee Montoya, a Hispanic Lesbian ex-police cop.

Q. Why?

A. To really stick it to Ditko.

Q. How do we know when we're being asked a question?

A. In spoken form, a slightly irritating upward lilt at the end of the sentence. In written form, the question mark (?). If the end of every sentence is in a slightly irritating upward lilt, you are not hearing questions, just the accent of an Australian.

Q. Do Australians understand that this is annoying?

A. Not likely, as Australians are rarely sentient.

Q. What is the best way to answer a question?

Q. With another question?

Q. That's not fair. Try again.

S. That's not a question, that's a command. And this is a statement.


A. The Buddha said there are four ways to answer any question: Straightforwardly (yes, no, ask again later, outlook hazy), answers that clarify the question ("I think you mean..."), answers that should be answered with a counter-question and answers that should be shelved for later.

As the Buddha is generally regarded to be the most obnoxious man of all time, take those as you will. For example, anybody who answers a question with a clarification of what the question meant should be killed.

Q. How?

A. Brutally.

Q. What are the most important questions to ask?

A. The kind that get one labeled in such a way as to be a new kind of Smurf. "Quixotic Smurf," for instance, "Curmudgeonly Smurf," "Histrionic Smurf" and "Desperate Smurf" are all reasonable question-scenarios.

Q. Which Smurf are you?

A. "Angry Smurf".