Q. Hans Christian Anderson. Muslim?
A. No. It's not just a clever name.
Q. Any relation to Hans Gruber?
A. None that historians have proven, but we haven't given up yet.
Q. Gay?
A. Most likely.
Q. Pedo?
A. Again, most likely.
Q. Boys or girls?
A. He probably shared a "thing" with Lewis Carroll.
Q. Any other dirt?
A. Shoes. The man was really, really, really into shoes.
Q. Why?
A. His father was a cobbler.
Q. Did he sing and dance like Danny Kaye?
A. No, because he had a peg leg carved out of solid gold.
Q. Who gave it to him?
A. A blue-haired fairy from Lapland.
Q. Now you're just making things up, right?
A. I wouldn't dare blaspheme the Fair Folk.
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